The Martyrdom of Marriage....

 

Marriage is hell.

Sometimes.

I did not sign up for that.

I signed up for a husband who would understand me all the time.  He would anticipate needs without me speaking them so that I would never have to humble myself and ask for help.  He would be romantic and creative, regardless of the pressures of providing for a family, or responsibilities he might have to others.  But, more than anything, he would fill all the empty places in me.  He would make me feel beautiful, smart, and important.  Any unanswered questions I had...about me...about whether I mattered...he would answer.

My husband has failed me in this.

I imagine he had a list of expectations too.  And I can assure you, whatever was on that list, I have failed him.  More than he has failed me.

For a long time we limped along in our failings, too polite to say to the other how disappointed we were.  Too afraid to talk about the things that mattered.  Until all the resentment finally hit critical mass and exploded like a compromised container of toxic waste.  And the husband I had lived with peaceably, if not always passionately, for years, became an object of loathing to me.  I could no longer remember any of the things I loved about him.

And I made his life hell.  I wanted to hurt him as much as I felt he had hurt me.  I was so angry at him for not being who I needed him to be.  Who I thought I needed him to be.

"The collapse of the family today, the rate of divorce--all this is due to the non-acceptance by man of marriage as martyria, and this means patience, endurance, travelling together along a difficult, yet ultimately glorious path."

~Alexander Schmemann

For four years we have fought and scratched and clawed our way back to one another.  Our kind and able couselor taught us to be honest.  Generous friends loved us viciously and refused to let us give up--and I really wanted to give up.  And we learned to cling to God like a man lost in the desert clings to his last few drops of water.

Healing has come.  Is still coming.  And we have learned so much.  But perhaps the most important thing we have learned is to give one another permission to be who we are.  And to allow the other to fail us.  In those empty places where I miss him and he misses me, God is.  And we learn a little more about surrender.  And about the kind of love that gives without requiring response.  The love of a martyr.

martyr: a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause

Turns out, each of us was what the other needed all along.  And we are finding a rich, seasoned love that is worth every torturous step it took to get here.  If you find yourself in the hell season at present, PLEASE, don't give up!!!  Ask for help.  Gather a band of brothers and sisters around you.  And ask God to meet you in the empty, broken places...and to teach you to love like He loves.

"...marriage, as life itself, is above all a journey, and its goal, as that of life itself, is the Kingdom of God...Then what will remain is true love, the one that overcomes death and gives us a taste of the Kingdom...It is this love that transforms through forgiveness, and so in the marriage, in this martyrdom,...we grow together as to constitute in the end the very image of that Divine Love between God and man."

~Alexander Schmemann

 

*For the record, our marriage is not ALL martyrdom. :)   And I HAVE come to remember the things I love about my husband.  You can find a few of them HERE. 

**Originally published 14 September 2010

Comments

[Maurilio Amorim]

You had me at "hell". Great post Sheila!

[Tw]

Really blessed by this article.
Its been 5mths since I have got married & God has put us in a situation where v cant even get out & run away from 'marriage' but v have no other option other than to just "die completely to ourselves!!!"

[Joyce]

Articulate, accurate, encouraging Truth that can wash the Disneyizing of our thinking about marriage. Telling my whole life with your words. Until we can "get" that my true romance is only to be with Christ, we'll never "get" marriage (or any other relationship).

[Karissa Sorrell]

Thanks for sharing about this personal topic, Shelia. It is good to know that other Christians struggle with marriage. And it is great to know that healing is taking place. I love that marriage is a sacrament in the OC because that means it is supposed to draw you closer to God. I don't think that means that any Orthodox marriage is perfect by any means. But it puts it more into perspective.

[Crystal Larrison]

thank you for this post! So wise! After almost 6 years of being married, I could relate to a lot of what you said.

[Shelia]

Maurilio, thanks for the encouragement. :)

Tw, you are perceptive to realize the gift of your current situation, and wise to embrace the art of learning to love selflessly. Wish we had done it when we were so early in our marriage.

Joyce, I heartily agree with your words about our romance with Christ, a concept that has taken me a long time to wrap my arms around.

Karissa, I think it is far more common than we imagine. Because we are afraid to talk about it. And, yes, the sacramental view has been instrumental in changing our perspective.

Crystal, You are so welcome. :)

[Mel]

Your continued journey is a testimony to God's abundant grace, and your willingness to receive it. Bless you. Bless Mike. Bless the Mullicans.

[Wanda Fowler]

Brave post! So many of us have our struggles and I think we are often afraid to admit that our marriages are not "perfect". Someone recently asked me how I would explain how we have been able to remain married for 41 years. I replied that at some point I began to see that even though I could see imperfections in our marriage, when I looked around I realized that I did not see perfection in others either and it just made sense to make it work. I think that's when the model of parents and grandparents who remained married gives the extra incentive to make it work. You are now modeling that for your children. Blessings as you continue in your journey.

[Shelia]

Melody, Thanks friend for your kind words, and for living life with us.

Wanda, I am truly grateful for the legacy that you and I have inherited of those who loved persistently, even when it was difficult. We have seen the payoff.

[Julie B]

Amen! I think this is why 1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." means so much to me...Life (and marriage!) is not always peaches & cream, but knowing individually (and as a couple) that I (we) can persevere with God's ever present help is so beautiful! Dios primero y todo va a estar bien! (God first and everything is going to be ok) :)

[awareness]

Wow, this hits home. I havent visited your blog for a while because I have been trying to heal from the hell and the explosion. Alone.

Like you admitted here, my resentment built up and I wasn't a good person to be living with. The more I tried "to be heard" during the melee of events that we had no control over but seemed to control our lives and marriage, the more he retreated.... until he found someone else.

I tried to be honest and open.... through counselling, but my honesty drove him away. When I finally realized how I was acting and sounding through my resentment.... when I finally took ownership of my side of the dissention, it was too late. Way too late.

Part of me wishes we couldve made it beyond that season of hell, and part of me feels the relief, the sense of freedom, the possibilities after the storm.

I am now in a place where i am feeling happiness again and contentment. The hurt he caused in the end was and still is the worst pain i have ever felt, but from that pain has come blessings I would never have recognized and a faith I never knew was in me. Go figure.

I'm glad I visited. May you and your husband continue to walk together with new energy and wisdom and may your love deepen every single day.

[andrea smith]

Wow, this made me tear up. So true and raw and right on the money.. I know what it is to fight and claw and scratch to save my marriage.. But alas, my now EX husband didn't have that same fight in him.
I now have been blessed with a love in a man that I have NEVER experienced before- and it is RIGHT and true, and not always easy. But we are drawn back together almost instantly, as we snap out of the mad fog and come right back to what is important. We know how blessed we are that God brought us together, and that he will see us through the rough patches. We appreciate his GIFT to us.

[Ramona]

thanks for the words from schmemman - good reminders.

[Jeff Holton]

This post is brilliant.

Anything as powerful as love is probably under-appreciated until it's the only thing that can resolve the situation.

[Belstaff Trialmaster Jacket]

I'd actually love to review these boxes on my shopping/lifestyle blog. i wonder if they'd send me a sample box to talk about?

[Valerie]

Marriage is hell when you are married to an evil person and you don.t believe God permits divore unless your spouse dies. It causes you to wish bad things on a person. GOD forgive me.